At 1,793 words my first blog entry may be a little long, but each of the following letters is like one blog post, hopefully easily digested. They came about some time ago as I was battling my way through a staid query letter for my novel Sortmind, then finally decided to let it all hang out in a series of experimental letters. Each represents a different ego approach, from the breathless newbie to the exalted master, addressed to “Mitchell Emerson, Publisher of the Gods.”
The letters are geared to the not-quite-outmoded process of mailing paper copy letters, synopses, and SASE.
1.
September 1, 20__
Mitchell Emerson
Publisher of the Gods
112 West Doomboat Ave.
New York, NY 10001
Most Glorious Sir!
I’m actually submitting my novel, Sortmind, for your consideration! I think it’s not very good, and I’m just starting out, and I wonder if you’d publish it? It’s sort of a mixture of literary and science-fiction things, and Nancy says it’s funny, all about whether tiny triangles should be removed from buildings? Also about the Telepathic Database at the public library, which starts Mindwiping everyone, and aliens monitoring everything. Some of the main characters are Oliver and Sam, these two high school art students and their fathers who’re fascists‑‑sort of‑‑you find out later‑‑who started this Citizens Against Triangles thing! But don’t think I’m wasting your time because I know I’m not very good at this sort of thing. This is actually a query letter!
It’s 2,200 pages, 550,000 words and way too long I know, the whole book that is, not this letter! You probably don’t want it for that reason alone, all books tell me. Very, very long, would take you forever to read and it took me forever to write and I know you a lot more important authors and a lot of money than me. But look Sortmind is on my computer and you could just print it straight off! Nancy thought I should send it to you, so finally the books told me to send sample chapters and then get an agent and negotiate with you, so I am sending this query letter now to save you as much trouble as can possibly be saved.
Enclosed are my table of contents, my list of characters, and my Sortmind first three chapters. Although Nancy told me not to send this stuff because it’s boring and would prejudice you into hating the novel before you even know me.
So I’ll see my Snortmind in all your bookstore in a few month! Don’t steal my idea though! You can send the check directly to me so we can get started on our big farm in the Texas Hill Country. Take your time but I could really use the money before the end of the month? Also on interview tours anytime but give me a call so I know, Oprah would be the perfect choice and I will be the next Oprah book if she ever will be an Oprah book again! She is very nice! I am sure you are very nice too.
Sincerely,
Michael D. Smith